Clients From Hell


Everybody has them. Clients with unreasonable demands. I thought I'd share a few of mine.

Names have been omitted to protect the guilty. Ha ha ha.

Client: You charge on time and materials, is that correct?

Me: yeh, like wossup?

Client: Your rate is $100 per hour, chargeable in 6 minute increments, correct?

Me: whatevs derr.

Client: You charged us $300 to review our code. I'm informed you only spent 5 minutes on site.

Me: dude, it's not just my time, you said it yourself time and materials too. 5 minutes looking at your code took 3 bottles of whiskey to wipe out the memories. You guys are straight in my clients from hell folder. Page 1? You guys!

And another.

Client: So we're trying to determine the correct name, and there's been some internal debate.

Me: derr, whatevs. "Naming is hard", suck it up, yo.

Client: Yes. Well, we've come up with a possible...

Me: Don't be wasting time on names. Just pick a name and move on. Here, I'll pick it for you. The Goobertronic Six Million. Done. Move on. Finished.

Client: ...and we thought that 'Everyday Billing Account' would indicate...

Me: Goobertronic Six Million. It's decided. Move on.

Client: ...that it stores the Everyday Billing Information.

Me: Forget it. Goobertronic Six Million! I'm committing it. There. Done. Pushed. There. It's live. Just like that. Woo hoo! You guys are getting a whole chapter in my "clients from hell" folder. Two chapters. Don't keep looking at me like that. Three chapters. Four. Wanna keep doing it? Uh-huh. Five. That's six chapters already. I can do this all day. Seven. I'm outta here. This blows.

One more. Though I could go on all day. Clients today. SMH. (shaking my head, that is).

Client: Our lead developer tells me you broke the build.

Me: heh broke his brains more like it

Client: He tells me you pushed without compiling first.

Me: i'm a artist, i push when i wanna!

Client: Very well, but in future, can you ensure that code compiles before pushing it?

Me: move fast and break things! look it up yo! straight into my clients from hell folder. Bam!

What about you? Do you have impossible clients?


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